It’s funny. I had no desire ever to work in human services. I worked at NECC after college because I had anxiety about taking the GRE due to it having moved from a paper to a computer-based test and my having poor reading comprehension comparatively in that format.

Then, I moved back from Massachusetts because I was lonely and because of Dad getting sick and because of Joe developing schizophrenia. TRC was the first place hiring, so I worked there. I hated it. It showed.

I started working part-time with mobile crisis because of my history of attempted suicide and because of Joe and not wanting anybody to be without help in that situation. I loved that job.

Then, I got fired from TRC and completely had the nervous breakdown that I had been holding back for years. I could force myself to leave the house for MCOP and for important things that got me fired up, but for the most part, I ate cheetos, binged Netflix, smoked and slept for two years. I’m so thankful that Sam stuck with me through that.

When I got better and made peace with all of my past, I found Evergreen. Working there has been like being home. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had, and I suck at the paperwork, but I genuinely feel like I’m helping people.

But here’s the thing, I’m turning 40 this year. I’ve based my entire career on decisions that I made during my one and only fully manic episode, that and guilt over leaving someone I truly love because they are so mentally ill that there is no way to have a life with them. I love what I do. I love discovering what makes people tick and helping them to find a way to improve their lives, but I wonder if it’s the way I should keep going.

I’m just not sure. I’ve lived my life without a plan and without a path, and I’m not sure if I am where I should be.

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