I have been my mother's mother for a very long time.

My child is staying at her house.

With her, and my adult niece this week

Because music speaks to me.

Literally.

And, that's not something a 13 year old should be around.

My family worries that F doesn't socialize.

I worry that F doesn't socialize.

Mom spoke to me about it.

I spoke to F.

They said they were tired.

They said being misgendered hurts them.

I tried to explain, each to the other, that they're both tired.

And hurting.

My mother cried that she's trying.

I tried to explain the suicide statistics for gender-expansive kids.

And asked that proper pronouns be used.

So my beautiful child, damaged by me, damaged by the world, damaged by isolation,

Doesn't die

Or go mad, like his mother, like his great grandmother, like those I have loved who remind me of him.

My mom cried that she has feelings too.

I said I am not in a place to be the receptical of those feelings.

Because my baffles are off.

Because the Universe, such as it is, sings to me right now.

She wouldn't stop.

I had finished making dinner so I left.

Apologizing to my niece for what her kids saw.

And the damage that will do.

I break everything I touch with my love.

I am my mother's mother.

Her daughter too.