Lord help me, I’ve really fucked up my kid. He has therapy tomorrow. I had no idea how mentally ill I truly am, and how bad it had gotten until I completely broke down. God, please help me help F turn out OK. He’s done nothing to deserve what that kind of life is. He was held as a baby. A lot. He was a happy toddler. He got hugged. He got soothed. I started meds when I noticed I was impacting him when he was 6. It wasn’t until 4th grade that things started getting bad. It wasn’t until I went back to work after COVID that he took a turn. God help me. Schizophrenia runs in both sides of his family. Jesus Christ, what have I done to my child? I love him so much. I didn’t mean to be such a terrible mother. I’ve got to fix this. I’ve got to do everything in my power to help him heal how I broke him. Why the fuck is it so hard to meet the emotional needs of my child? Who needs me. Why the Hell am I so self-absorbed with him? When I have no problem at all chasing everybody else and trying to meet their needs?! Why can’t I see my own child?! I can do everything for him but what he needs. He’s all I can think about, but I’m so ashamed of how I’ve failed him that I don’t dare connect. God, please help me fix what I’ve done. F deserved better than me. He loved everyone when he was little. Everyone. Now, he’s just wrapped up in a shell. Oh, God what have I done? My kid is suicidal. What the fuck have I done?!! I broke my beautiful kid.

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