The hope is that this journal will reach the right people who are smart enough to see that I'm sane inside of this madness, and be brave enough, and care enough to believe me, and put all the pieces together. To see that I have been sane and logical enough through the mania to utilize the scientific method, and to trust that I know enough about social science and charting, to have taken good notes. I hope I've been a good reporter.

I need to get sane.

I'm a mom.

I have to hold a job, and I have to raise my child...

No matter how scared, and how right I am.

I'm terrified.

All the time.

The impossible has happened.

I saw it.

And I documented it.

Well.

I'm a clinical case manager, with 20 years of mental health experience. I'm autistic with ADHD, a genius-level IQ. I have C-PTSD and had a bad psychedelic experience, at an ego-death level.

Because I was emotionally attacked by my possibly sociopathic ex, with whom I share a lifelong love/hate relationship.

I meet the diagnostic criteria for borderline, HPD, and BPD, as well as bipolar 1, possibly schizo-affective disorder now.

HE MEETS THE EXACT SAME CRITERIA, based upon my lifelong observations of his behavior. I'm not qualified to diagnose, and my judgment of his behavior is colored by the intimate nature of our shared history. We are intellectual peers. In every way.

But, we have had different responses behaviorally. We were nearly perfect mirrors of eachother.

We both have a hyper-fixation on human behavior, due to our neuro-divergent status. And career choices.

We are both highly creative, intuitive, and talented artists. Although he has more training and experience, our raw abilities are similar, based upon our mutual proven ability to function at a high level, on a national scale.

We are both decendents of farm people in a town where people use terms like, "so you're her only one out of Arnie." When you tell them who your mother is.

Our parents really wanted us to like eachother. We're both peoole-pleasers.

My mother, when I told her at 28 that I didn't want to have children, expressed with disappointment, "I always wanted a grandchild out of you," referencing her great love for my father led to me choosing to not be as careful as I could when I met a man who made me feel safe, like I've only ever felt safe with my dad.

Who turns out to be a sexual or grey sexual with specific physical tastes that it is impossible for you to meet, but is drawn so much to you spiritually that it overcomes his aversion to sexual touch, brought on by his own sexual trauma. Poor guy. God, I love him. He's a good dad. There's a lot of power and control issues there. But, he's working on it. 

He is also neurodivergent and an intellectual peer. The three of us all have had a shared sexual experience.

Lazy Eye just climaxed on spotify.

I have a lazy Eye.

This song is one of my favorites, as I have published publicly.

I'm just letting spotify run...

What the hell is going on?

We were attempting to engage in a conversation regarding the nature of our relationship. The conversation was initiated through the posting of a sexually charged Bowie video in response to what was a coded message to him, if I am being honest.

He has a history of sending coded communication, meant for my eyes only. We both do, with eachother. It's a toxic relationship.

We're both manipulative, and good at it.

But, we've both worked on it...

We were trying to negotiate safety, and things got explosive. He and I are like magnesium and water...

If we get our timing wrong.

Which we almost always do.

We're both terrible, but strangely hypnotic, dancers.

We were working on rhythm in our conversation. I got so excited that I finally had a conversation go OK with him to talk about our mutual trauma. Because I care about him. Deeply.

I see how deeply the world hurts him. And, how hard he tries. I see how ETHICAL he is. I share those ethics.

But, my mental health makes adherence challenging. I suspect he shares a similar challenge. Our shared trauma informs us uniquely of how challenging we find that adherence to be. We're both hard workers. It is a shared family trait.

I come from an older generation, with more poverty, due to the age of my father (48) at my birth. However, our dads were intellectual peers and friends. His father was the last friend who kept coming to visit my dad as he was dying.

My great grandmother and his great grandmother were friends.

My older sister had a weird obsession with his uncle that led her autistic ass to assign adult emotions to the friendship of a five and a six year old. I was going through abandonment issues, due to my two safe-ish surrogate mothers going to: Cornell, and the other getting married due to being pregnant.

I'm referring to my two older half sisters.

He was the first person outside my family who felt like a peer to me.

He had younger siblings and cousins his age. So. This was not as notable to him. As kids do, he dumped me for his cousin with better toys.

He then bullied me for several years.

However, we reconnected at 15 and 16 in a relationship that was very sexual. I am pansexual, but more highly attracted to men. He identified to me in a recent spoken conversation that he is bi, when I asked him if he really loved me, or if he was acting when we were teenagers. He studiously avoided actually answering the question.

I suspect, due to the fact that he still has feelings for me, but is an ethical and married man. Who struggles... but, he made sure to focus his husband in the conversation.

I am publicly in an open relationship. I practice non-sexual ethical polyamory, from the perspective of relationship anarchy. I feel any relationship can be what it needs to be at the moment. As long as all parties are consenting.

He uses a name I gave him when we were teenagers, and very much in love. I told him he could create a character and be whomever he wanted to be, in that conversation.

We're both queer, neurodivergent and traumatized. I knew how much he needed to escape this town.

I created safety for him while he was here. He only ever put me in danger.

He is an ethical person whom I know has learned empathy, and is smart enough to know the true meaning of that word.

Lord, he and I could have had good conversations about big things. And, really helped eachother.

It bums me out that we can never get it right.

Because we trigger eachother so much.

Because we're so incredibly toxic for eachother...

We do it because we remind ourselves so much of so many people who have hurt us. Our literal selves included.

Trauma bonding sucks 

He described me as heroin when we were dating.

The feeling was mutual.

We're from appalachia. We've lost friends. We know what that means.

I don't know how this breakdown happened, but I know he triggered it.

I suspect intentionally.

How does someone do that?

And not care?

I've lost so much these past few months.

I've got to get better.

He can't win.

That wouldn't be fair to all the people who really love me.