This image was suggested to me by my Facebook algorithm, while my nephew is having a meltdown because he may not be able to finish Harvard Bioethics (this will be his third higher level ivy league degree if he gets it.

He's suicidal, and comes to me, his crazy aunt about it, because we are the most alike, of all the family. 

His IQ is 170.

We are peers.

I am a little manic tonight because it was busy at work and Sam was asleep when I got home, so I have no one to talk to to de-compress.

That photo is such a perfect visual representation of me in the center of my neural net memory palace when I am very manic and under stress.

The first time I experienced it was when Joe was showing the first terrifying symptoms of schizophrenia, and I was in denial about the fact that my father was dying, and I threw myself into trying to learn everything there is to know about psychotic disorders to save Joe.

It broke me that I had to give up on them (Joe is non-binary)

I've loved so many brilliant, broken, people. My whole life. I see all of them in my child.

I just want him to get to adulthood whole, not broken. He's so beautiful... how he loves... the light he shines with when he smiles or laughs...

It makes me so mad that I put up with so much shit, from so many people, for so long...

That healing the damage they did, so I can be the mother my beautiful child deserves, drove me over the GD Cliffs of Insanity.

Y'all. This is not The Princess Bride.

This is real gosh darn life. I have to hold a decent paying job, and be a mom.

I'm not rich enough to be considered eccentric. I'm smart enough that people put up with me being a little odd, but I've got to keep getting better...

And, in order to do that, I need a damn break from everyone I love wanting to off themselves, and coming to me when they need someone to talk to about it.

My nephew's suicide attempt in 2020 triggered this whole spiral because I missed his oblique communication about it.

I hate how coy people with autism can be in their communication, and how hard it can be to decode when they're really, really smart.

So far, I've gotten my nephew, a few friends, my spouse, mostly my kid, and my arch nemesis (LMFAO) figured out.

However, I think I'm done. Being the receiver of oblique communication puts one at risk, due to plausible deniability on the part of the transmitter.

And, frankly, most people are unaware of just how much they're communicating, as it occurs at a subconscious level. They are not consciously aware of their word choice, tonal nuance, body language and facial micro-expressions.

It freaks them out when one responds to these things.

And, frankly, decoding it all requires a degree of effort that I am not willing to employ outside of a work environment.

Basically, I give gentle honesty, and expect it, with those I care about.

Otherwise, I'm triggered by nuances of expression that don't match.

Sam and I have talked about this, and are both doing much better in our communication and emotional co-regulation.

I think we both feel seen for the first time ever in our relationship.

It's good.

I love him.