Letter to my Brother

I talk about you to my therapist. Often. Although, I try to make the focus of my sessions more about personal growth, healing from family trauma, and being less toxic in my personal relationships.

Unfortunately, to be able to do this, I have to engage with the emotional legacy of my relationship with you.

I've got it mostly untangled, but it is so attached to the root of my persona, that during my ego death, and the height of my delusional disorder, I perceived you as a twin flame to me.

I don't know if this was because of subconscious realization of the uncanny resemblance to me the statue you made of Artemis bore, or what. There were a lot of real world coincidences that, frankly, freaked me the eff out, but were also strangely in line with this weird cult-ish new age-y twin flane thing that I had never heard of until my stupid Facebook algorithm suggested it.

But, I can't trust my perception of reality during that time. I. Was. Psychotic. Therefore, my perception of reality innately could not be trusted.

Lord, I wish we could have managed to be friends, though. I think we could have helped each other grow so much.

I love you so much. I miss you. Always.

I hate that. You don't deserve that devotion.

I asked my therapist about you, and that. She said that you built the statue as a way to work out your own issues. Most people I talk with say you probably didn't even realize whose face you were giving to her.

I suspect you probably can't even admit the resemblance to yourself yet. I think you thought she looked like Elvis.

But, ultimately, you gave a statue of Artemis, my face, A. I'm sorry, but I feel some kinda way about that. And, TBH, I'm not really sorry. It was creepy to be on the receiving end of that, especially when I was dealing with an actual stalker.

I feel some kinda way about you sending me that particular Bowie video too.

I think you are dishonest to yourself and others about your emotional attachment to me.

My therapist said that my emotional experience of my relationship with you is most similar to a parent/child bond. That makes sense to me.

You chose to live your life as the version of you that I loved the most, when you could have been anyone... and you legally changed your name to the one that I gave you. And, there is more.

I want you to know, that if you ever read this, I am so proud of you. Just so incredibly fucking proud of you.

But, I really wish you hadn't hurt me this time.

My therapist says you hurt me when we were kids because you have yourself been loved and hated by the same person. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you have healed.

Namaste, my brother.

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