I’ve begun practicing loving kindness meditation, because ultimately, underneath our masks, we’re all blue, aren’t we?
Unfortunately, I still struggle greatly with anxiety and anger issues. And, frankly, just act an ass sometimes, if I’m not careful. Cannabis is helping with this right now. So is writing. I’m so angry with Deb, and my mom, and Sam, and Joe, and Apollo (for the extreme bullying and other toxic behavior alternating with love that continued from the time I was five until I was 21).
But, I keep sending them loving kindness every darn day. If I do it enough, I figure my anger will release. I think I’m pretty much there with Sam. We’re at a place of peace and trust, and helping each other. Just like we’ve both always wanted in our marriage.
Ultimately, I just want peace, and for the most part, I have it. My rule has become that if I can’t find a way to make peace with something in my life, I put it in a box, or at a distance, or I engage with it less frequently until I feel peace again.
It feels so much better than before. However, I need to find a way to have peace and also have full-time employment. I’m interviewing with a job on Thursday that looks promising, depending on the vibe I get when I get there.
It’s for a coordinator position helping people with disabilities get back to work. I’m pretty sure that I am, without a doubt, the best possible candidate, all things considered.
Now, I just have to convince them of that.
I’ve got this. I’m damn good at my job. I have the support of good friends and colleagues, and I’m getting better ever day.
That, and I was visited by four cardinals today.
And, the sun is coming out after one hell of a rainfall.
“Further out, and further in.” – C.S. Lewis