This quote has me in tears. This was me in June. I had been in so much pain, for so very long, with no idea why, or who to tell, or how to make it better. I completely broke down. My nephew calls it autistic burnout. I call it, “getting closure with one thing, that I thought was primary, uncovered a deep well of trauma that I didn’t know existed.”

And then, I had to deal with that…

On my own…

When someone had made a promise to walk me through it.

Jesus Christ, why did I trust him not to abandon me, and to be my friend?

He’s never been able to handle me.

I’m so mad that I had to figure this all out on my own.

Maybe it was just a miscommunication about what we were talking about…

When I mentioned that my therapist suggested that she be present for our conversation, I thought he had a good idea what we were getting into.

It’s so hard to write when I have these flashbacks. I shake so hard. And, I get so cold, and it’s so hard to see through the tears.

But, writing is the only thing that gets me through, and better.

Smoking cannabis allows me to control when they happen, which reduces my overall emotional outbursts, and allows me to function better in my relationships with others than I previously have.

It’s like a wave crashes over me, and builds over the course of the day, or days, and this is how I ride it into shore.

As a dear friend says, “blogging is cathartic.”

Why do I have to do this so often to function?

The bad ones keep getting further and further apart, so I hope that’s a sign of further healing.

Doing this wears me out.

It also annoys the crap out of me that that vain MF probably thinks this whole thing is about him.

Whatever. I’ll let him have his little ego boost. He could probably use it, all things considered.

And, to think that someone like me had a nervous breakdown over someone like him… Well, that would be the biggest ego boost ever.

Thinking he had intentionally attempted to abuse me, again, after 20 freaking years, was quite a big one for me.

Because, lord, to be the preferred target of someone like him… well, it’s quite the honor.

I think I just trigger the worst in him, in a big way.

Thus, all the constant intrigue, back-biting, and betrayal.

However, I wish it was all just a big misunderstanding.

My gut, and prior experience of his behavior patterns, however, tell me it wasn’t.

Lord, what a douche canoe.

I was literally, like the only actual victim of satanic sex abuse when I was a baby. I think my sister and her husband used to take me to that creepy mausoleum at the East Randolph Cemetery and perform satanic rituals on me when they were baby sitting me.

That could be a false memory. However, it is a fact that they abused me. A lot. Before I could form memories, and that my family knew about it, and didn’t tell me. So it all came crashing down on my damn head when I was 42, and just trying to be a good mom to my very special child.

My sister was obsessed with the Omen movies, so my poor psyche made up an Apocalypse story about it, to help me cope.

It’s not fucking about you, Mark.

Get over yourself. You’re not that special to have caused this to happen to me.

You are a secondary character…

And, at this point, pretty much an NPC.

Because your behavior is both predictable, and formulaic.

Yet, once again, Charlie Brown kicked the football Lucy was holding.

Gahanna.

It’s time to break the chain.

You’re permanently off the team, Lucy.

Good luck.